last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
