i think i have herpe
just one?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
