Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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