Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize