I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
