One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
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if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
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mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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