xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
