Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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