they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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