porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
