The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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