so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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