if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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