I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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