dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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