my soul wont recognize me after tonight
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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