I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
