I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
