Four minutes until I can fart!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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