people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
