I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
