Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
