I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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