PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
