WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
