i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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