my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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