So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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