there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
