Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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