I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
