Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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