While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
