White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
