matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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