I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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