I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
