we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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