so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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