while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
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Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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