The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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