My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
