wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
