my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
