I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
