im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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