hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
