You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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