White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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