I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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