i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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