I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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