Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
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about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
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HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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