just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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