Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
